saturdays

one of the best things to happen on a saturday morning:
climbing back into bed at 8am, after thinking your child is awake, but discovering she is still asleep.

worst:
stepping on a wet spot on the floor in your socks.

Picturing...Me.

Strange...

Ever looked at a photo of themselves and felt yourself looking back? Tonight, I was posting a few shots of our camping trip (thanks Aaron & Bob!) up on the family blog and there was one picture that caught my attention. Everyone has a picture of themselves in their head, usually about 5 years behind... and mine is totally both crippling and a crutch to me. I'm coming up on my 27th birthday, I never intended to be 27, and yet I am finding myself to be. And, maybe..I'm finding that I feel ok about it.

Anyway, when I saw this picture, something resonated with me. I felt like the person I was seeing was both who I feel like on the inside, and someone I might like if I was a stranger seeing her on the outside. Can you say that? It was like the image I had in my head synched up with reality and with how I feel all at once in one second. It felt so relieving. So arriving. It's not the feeling you get when you see a really "good" picture of yourself, but rather the feeling you get when you see a very real picture of yourself but it makes you smile. I feel accepting of that woman, almost 27, extra weight, new little crows feet and all. ( I also like the people I'm with and the memories of the time. Holla! )

I don't get it, but I see me, in there... And for some reason I have never found that before in a photo. Feels good.

There I am. Here I am! Huh.

Hi.

:)

Into My Hands...

I got the honor of delivering little Josephine June Hyatt this morning! She was born at 4:08, at 9 ib 8.5oz, and is head to toe chubby pink cuteness!

I think when I get some sleep and come to my senses I will be pretty amazed at myself... It was pretty fast and intense! The whole family is doing great. Congratulations to Bob and Amy!

There is NOTHING quite like driving home early in the morning having just seen someone come into the world... and when it's friends, it wrapped in extra sweetness. My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude.

Hello New Home

With grand gesture and a huge sigh, I just deleted the 'For Rent' folder on my bookmarks toolbar.

We found a new home!

I cannot pinpoint why this feels so good. It is kind of bittersweet. It was a hard decision for us to move. There is SO much to enjoy about where we live now. It has allowed to entertain and host for our church effortlessly, it has made is possible for Chris to start up an online bookstore of thousands of books. It is a real gem, and a steal. But we did not pick this house out for our family. We picked this house out for a community house (which turned out to be so fun by the way) at a time when, I might point out, we didn't even know we were about to start our family! Ania has had a fabulous two years in this big old place. I love that she was born into a community house and will always treasure the memory of our big "family" during that time. But the "mama bear" inside me went up on her hind legs when we discussed another renter downstairs.

So we looked, and looked and looked. And then, this place suddenly appeared right off of capital where we have walked/biked by more times than we could ever count. We even used to have church right next door! Neither of us had seen it before. When we went inside, I saw the tiny kitchen, the hallway sized "living room" and the fact that our table wouldn't even fit in the little dining area...and I got so excited! (and immediately started planning a huge garage-sale.)

It's just for us. It feels within our means. Mr. Ramsey says we can actually afford it. And it's what we are doing for our future...which until now, wasn't even something we could consider yet. We will live here until we have saved a down payment on a house that we will own. We actually like it so much it's hard to beilieve this is our "saving place"! I was prepared to accept the feeling of sacrifice, but all I feel is relief. And gratefulness. And intense love for my husband and the way he is sleighing dragons for us. I can't wait to be in our little townhouse. Our new home.

I will miss being the hosting house, it has been so fun to open our doors wide and fill this place with our church family. Now, It's time to get cozier, have you over in smaller portions, and watch Lost a little more quietly on Thursday evenings. : )

I thank God for the bright cheerful windows, for the washer and dryer in the bathroom, for the closets shoved in every possible space, for the kind and gracious landlord, for the garage for Chris' bookstore, for the deck for Ania's playhouse, for the walk-in off our bedroom for the possible future crib, and ...

Another great thing? Directions! "You know the Starbucks in the Village? We're just around the corner." : )

Thankfulness

To my dismay, I have just recently come to the realization that I have been cosumed with thoughts about what I don't have. I have been down, discouraged and angry. I have been worried, scared and selfish. I've fallen into the trap of comparison, of wishing and of praying with a horrendous overuse of the word "I".

So...

With a new well-spring of gladness in my heart, and that special day of turkey just around the corner, I've been working on a list of things in my head that I am oh-so thankful that I do have. And I am happy to share and to say that this list far outweighs the other.

I am so blessed....

I have really good parents that love me, did their best raising me and are still "there for me" and that I am friends with, which is so cool.

I had a happy childhood. As I watch Ania become a little girl, I see so many things that I either forgot about or never realized that are so important about being a future adult.

I am healthy.

My husband. My best friend, a good, godly man that I respect, and a home for my heart.

Chris is healthy.

We can now pay for health insurance. It stinks and doesn't do much, but it's there if something big happens.

I have a nice home to live in, food to eat and a car to drive. I have a washer and dryer to use and let my friends use. A computer to blog on. A cozy bed at night.

Hot baths.

TiVo.

Chris and I both get to be doing things we always wanted to do. I am so thankful that he gets to support our family doing what he loves and is meant to do, and I am now a mother. Indescribably cool.

Ania. Who is turning out to be even more of a blessing than she was a surprise. Life is richer when your heart has little legs. Really chubby ones.

Ania is healthy.

We live somewhere we feel safe.

We live in a house that is big enough to open up to our friends. I am so thankful for big windows you can see the leaves through, a place for Chris to work and grass for us to play in.

We can pour wine, make cookies, and occasional dinner for friends because we have money for groceries.

We have easy access to healthy food that is good for us.

Friends. If there is one blessing we have it is FRIENDS. Brothers and sisters that lived with us through the birth of our family, friends that laugh and cry with us, support us, sharpen us,help us and pray for us. People that have loaned us cars, made us dinners, sat late into the night with us, and fought for us. And girlfriends... something I didn't think would be a blessing again in my life and that I hold dearly.

Family. Ania sees both sets of grandparents on a weekly basis and we have aunts, uncles, cousins that live nearby.

Our church. I am thankful for Bob. For Amy. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a part of starting a church with a vision that we are so passionate about. For Johny V, Sarah, Tina, Chip,...Everyone that was there in the very beginning and everone that followed until now. Just to have a church that I love and truly believe in to belong to, and to see it blessing other people too.

Salvation. Grace. There are times in my life where I see very clearly that if this were something that worked like the rest of the world, I would not be allowed to apply. The fact that this relationship is something I have the priviledge of having is like winning the lottery when I didn't buy a scratch it. Times lots of millions, because we're talking eternity.

Obviously this is in no order, and does not cover it. But the reality is that Ania and I went out on our rainy deck this morning and fed the squirrels bananas. Tomorrow we will go to the library. My husband is able to make enough so that I can be home with her all day. Most days, nothing really bad happens, and I have more than enough to be happy about.

And I am happy.

Skamaniacs!

Thank you to our comunity for pitching together to get us a weekend getaway! We spent Sat/Sun this last weekend at Skamania Lodge, one of our favorite places on earth. It's a funky woodsy resort...with a huge stone fireplace, big wooden rocking chairs, spectacular views, sauna, library,yummy resturaunt and bar, fancy resturaunt with fancy menu, live lounge singers, big outdoor stone hot-tub and free Starbucks coffee . :)

We had a fabulous weekend, and here are pictures to prove it! Thank you so much!!










That might be me in the sauna, or Chris might have caught up on his golf game....I guess you'll never know.

Vantage Point

I have emant to write this post for a long time. I am finally sitting down to do it.

I miss those writing urges. When words would come flowing through my head and I would just HAVE to write them down. And get them just right, until they were right in front of me, just the way I wanted them. I miss that.

Today, I'm not feeling the inspiration. I have a slight headache. I am a little grumpy. I have a lot of work to do around the house. Several "projects" hanging over my head. Ania just woke up early from her nap. I am listening to her count something in her crib "eight, nine, ten, eleben, eighteen." I was looking forward to at least one more 1/2 hour.

But the experience that I have been wanting to write about is the this bazaar ecstacy of motherhood. I am sitting on top of a mountain called 18 months. (well, nineteen..but I've been feeling this way for awhile.) You see, I had sort of a rough time of the first time mom thing. Well, in my head anyway. Ania was not born a great sleeper. I was not a natural at teaching her to sleep well in the beginning. Checking on her constantly, and responding to every whimper when she was tiny. I specifically remember a time when I was hopeless and scared that I was no longer going to be the woman I was before. It seemes like I was a tired, frazzled mother standing alone in her baby's nursery at 2am and that was all that was happening in the whole world. Ever.

I remember discussing the situation with a wise seasoned mother at church. Funny thing is, I don't remember who it was! (that says something about the lack of sleep I was experiencing) But what my mystery-mom friend said struck a chord. She actually out her hands square on my shoulders and looked intensly in my eyes. "I promise you, in 1 year-maybe 6 months, you will look back and say 'Remember when Ania wouldn't sleep through the night?' "When she screamed bloody murder in the kid's room?' I PROMISE YOU." (Tina, Deb, was that you?)

That was all I needed, to ride the waves out. A different version of "this too shall pass" I guess. And she was SO right.

But what I wanted to write about from my mountain top is this; I am so proud. Proud of me, proud of Ania. I feel accomplished, I truly FEEL like a mother, and I am really enjoying it. Through worries about "losing myself" and fears of traumatizing Ania... Through clashing advice and concerns of loved ones. I stuck with my instincts. I gave Ania what I thought she needed and also gave myself what I needed as her mother. And apparently, I did it right (enough). YES.

I wish I could go back and give myself then, a tiny glimpse of us now. I am so glad I decided to ride the waves and let each one ride it's course. Next time around and from now on I will do that without fear, dive in. The first year is a beautiful process of seasons and changes that work out perfectly in the end...
I can see that now. As Ania waved to us from Grandma and Papa's porch when we returned from camping. When Ania exclaims "Friends!" and takes off toddling into the kid room on Sunday morning without even glancing back.

Ok, better go get the little monster who is now calling through the monitor "Mama get you! Mama! Karli!"